Dealing with the Other Difficult Parent

Q. I have a stepdaughter who is four years old. Her real mother whom she visits on weekends is in and out of jail; she has 86 felonies. Each visit leaves the child distraught; she gets depressed and sinks into her shell.

A. This is, indeed, an unusual situation, though it is very common with separated parents. Generally, the child living with the mother goes to the father for the weekend. But the effect of the meeting is the same: the child behaves queerly – either loud and noisy or absolutely sad and silent.

So what do you do? It is a very difficult situation.

First of all, give up the idea of any kind of therapy; it is not going to help. You, as an adult and parent can do much better.

There are basically two different situations. One is when one of the parents is causing the problem; and the other is just the differences between parents and homes. In this article I am going to focus on the former – the problem parent.

There are several features suggestive of such 'poison'. One is that of being unreliable for visits - promising to call or show up, but then failing to do so. Often children desperately hope that, this time, dad will phone, or come, or send a present, and yet, time after time, they are let down again.

Then, when they do go for a visit, they are often ignored, or merely have to fit in with the adult's own (often inappropriate) plans. In other words, despite their protestations of how much they care, the child is clearly very low on their list of priorities.

An unreliable parent does not only disappoint the child but many times you have to change your plans because the other parent had promised to come and take the child but didn’t turn up.

Then, in addition to their unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent. Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticizing and derogating the mother.

All children want to be loved and cared for. They can sense love and respond to it whole heartedly. But if one parent keeps saying nice things but behaves uncaringly then the child loses all sense of worth and belonging.

The saddest part is that such slippery parents often win legal battles because they are manipulative. And, the courts have no way of finding the truth for lack of factual evidence to support the complaint of the other parent.

If you find yourself in this situation, you need to take some strong and decisive action. But it won't be easy.

First step is probably to seek some clarity through mediation or the courts. This is one of the rare situations when access to the other parent probably should be denied. However, getting the courts to agree will probably be difficult.

What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up?

Once you know the broad framework of the weekly schedule, stick to it. Be firm and refuse any deviations from the agreed terms. Do not let the other parent change the times of the visits. If the other parent has agreed to pick up the child at a particular time, then wait only till then and follow your own plans thereon. There is no need to be available whenever he turns up at his convenience.

Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.

In the meantime, continue to be as affirming, warm, positive and supportive for the times when she is with you. Do not make excuses for the other parent's failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and 'normal' as you can.

Remember, this is not a comfortable situation for both of you. If you feel none of this is working, think of moving to a different town or state, so that the problem of weekly visits is taken care of once and for all. This is the last resort and should be taken after cool consideration, lest you become the bad guy. Take some time to think of the situation. You may want to talk it over with a friend or counselor before you take such a step. Don’t let your prejudice against the other parent blur your reason. It happens to people; it may be happening to you. Make sure you are not over reacting.

Article Source: http://www.christiannotepad.com

For more expert tips on child behavior problems and for his excellent book, why not visit Dr. Noel Swanson's website? You can also find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson free articles on parenting here. ~ai602
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